Being a version 1.0 parent during lockdown

Let me first state that since having my daughter, I have love and emotions that are at an epic level. She's so tiny, but my does she generate a whole lot of love!

Finding out we were expecting a Matilda

My wife and I had been trying for a baby for a few years and I'd only been in post at the MoJ for about 24 days when I found out I was going to be a dad for the very first time!

Fast forward 4 months and we found ourselves in a surreal dystopian novel where fathers were unable to attend scans. Mothers were being sent through multiple temperature screens and greeted by faceless hero's, where eyes truly became the windows to people's emotion.

Jumping ahead to 9 months and we were primed to get to the hospital. My team and head of profession in the Legal Aid Agency were truly wonderful supporting me by allowing me to take time away if I needed it.

I am an emotional human being, so being greeted with such unwavering kindness in such a large organisation was overwhelming. I had worked in supportive places before but nothing like this. It also filled me with reassurance seeing humbling messages coming from our CDO and COO that really made things feel like we were 'in this together' and genuenly want to support one another.

Is it time yet?

My wife was in early labour for about a week - we found ourselves in the hospital at 11pm a week before the due date. It was a difficult time as I was still unable to be by her side until she got to active labour.

I found myself in a glaringly bright hallway with 4 other expectant fathers. We were all wearing masks on one of the hottest nights of the year, passing around sideways glances to see who was going to get called in next, primed ready to grab our bags.

It was about 1am when I was called through to see my wife - and probably the most emotional encounter I've had with her since finding out I was going to be a dad - we had been kept apart for over 2 hours AFTER she had reported reduced baby movement. It was the longest 2 hours for us both.

We were sent home and had been booked in for a Friday induction. I remember messaging my team on Slack that we actually had a date and I felt a sense of relief that they could plan sprint work more accurately knowing when I would be off.

Of course, this was all in my head because they immediately sent me an absolute tirade of amazing messages and good wishes.

9 months of waiting was finally over

Everything from the induction to delivery whirled past me like....well, a whirlwind. She was born at 12.31am on Saturday 22 August 2020 weighed 7lb and that timestamp, date and weight will forever been marked in my memory.

Naturally, I took too many pictures and no doubt overshared with my team, head of profession and the design community...to be honest, anyone that had a slack account. But let's face it - I didn't care.

I'd only been in my role for 9 months but that didn't stop these wonderful people sending me well wishes, requests for more pictures and an absolute life saving food voucher that was spent far far too quickly! You know you're in the right place of work when they send food.

Paternity days are over and playing hide and seek with sleep

The first few weeks rocketed by as my daughter continued to grow quicker than I could keep up with. Also, the back of her head looks exactly like a hazelnut. Weird. The early days were filled with memories of tea and biscuits in bed and an understanding with my team that I would need time to adjust to meetings longer than 30 minutes.

As the months have gone on and various challenges have arisen, my team in Check Legal Aid and my Design Lead have listened to my tired ramblings, my probably incoherent 3am messages, put up with my late work submissions and have showed compassion at every single one. Did I tell you I'm moving into our first home in December? No? Just adding to the list of firsts for 2020.

I think one of the hardest things I've found working in such a lovely team is the sense of guilt I feel if I miss a meeting or a deadline because I've had to rush off and help my partner. For me there is no clear divide between work and caring for my wife and daughter and the greater the empathy, the harder it is to compartmentalise.

I've also been doing a lot of work on cross government projects which have all taken off and required my focus. I'd put a lot of extra curricular hours into these and having to put on the brakes was tough.

The kindness and compassion I've been afforded permeates across Government and some notable people I've worked with have genuinely been as supportive and wonderful as my own team - Clara, Jeremy, Anusree, Jenny, Vicky, Tim - you are all awesome.

Parenting post pandemic...

Being a new parent during a pandemic hasn't given us the experience we were expecting. Where do we go for help if no groups are running? Can I go to see my little ones first weigh in? It always bothered me that the first few months whilst out with her she would only see my eyes through a fabric shield but that is normality right now.

We are a little more used to that but it'll never feel normal. We have lived through one of the most surreal and extreme periods of existence and through it all I have done so with the most amazing support from my team, my profession and my organisation.

Who knows when we will get to see each others faces again, but it's safe to say that when we do they will be seeing this face of Matilda more often than not.